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Suddenly

Saturday, September 18th, 2010

It hits me hardest when I am in a bad mood on a coldish day.  I really am lonely sometimes… most of the time?  It is just that I can usually hid it from myself pretty well.  I even miss Jeremy more on days like today, mostly because when I am wrapped in his arms I feel safe secure and protected.  I know that is all an illusion…  and I do get the same feeling of being safe and secure when I am sleeping next to Nick.

But tonight I have no one to come home to, no one to curl up with and a daughter that I lost it with again.  It is one of those days that I feel unworthy of the ‘mom’ title… or where I want to just quit, not that I ever really WOULD… it is just one of those days.

Sometimes I think maybe sex will help me feel better.  But that doesn’t help THIS… there are many things it DOES help though *grin*.  It really doesn’t make me feel any better about WHO I am, all these people that want to fuck me.  And the ones who want to take care of me… well I almost feel sorry for them, because all they make me want to do on days like today is stomp on them.  I do not ever want someone to shoulder the burden for me, sometimes I just want a no strings attached hug.  Wow… I just had a thought that explains why I am so poly-amorous … Who in the world could be everything I need them to be, how could it even be fair to ask, and why would I want to settle for less than everything I desire?

I really am a selfish bitch at times… I love it!

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Today…

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Rashell called me from school because she left her lunch at home.  So I had to take of my ‘dominatrix’ gear (as David called it) and go deliver her lunch to her.

Ya, it was just that kind of a day.

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Protected: Dating sites

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

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I’ve been thinking

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

You know… when we started this I thought we would play for the summer and you would go back down to California.  I am excited that you are staying in Washington, and going to school close.  But we never really talked about relationship parameters and all that good stuff… You know like the; is this a just us thing, is it open, are we going to keep seeing each other when you go to school, is this just sex, are you going to expect me to remember your birthday … that kinda thing.  But I don’t really know where to begin.  You see, I really like you.  I totally want to keep you.  Though that also comes with a but, because you are so young so new with the whole never made your own food thing.  You need to live and play and grow and be… and to bring that statement full circle, I guess that is how I feel about getting in to any relationship.  I don’t want to tie you down (outside of the bedroom), though I am not even sure I know what that even means.  I want to keep seeing you, but I don’t want anything I do when you are not here to upset you simply because we didn’t talk about it.

Obviously I have no clue what I want… and while I am ok with this I kinda wanted to make sure you were too, make sure we are on the same page and all that good stuff.

Now… all I have to do is talk about this, out loud… UH!

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Birth Story

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

9 years ago today… I was so drugged on Demerol after my C-Section that I don’t remember much.  Rashell was removed from me after 26 hours of labor at 4:58am.  My mom went with her to the nursery to make sure that the nurse DID NOT put a bottle in to my daughters mouth while I was in Recovery.  When they were taking me back to my room they let my mom hand Rashell to me for the first time.  I think that is when I stopped being scared.

I was 19 when I gave birth to Rashell… and here I am 9 years later.  Rashell is growing up so fast, but I can also see that I have grown up too.  We have an interesting relationship, my daughter and I.  Because I am me … and I had to grow up at the same time I was raising her.  We have come so far… and have so much farther to go.

Happy Birthday Rashell!

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Protected: Skin

Friday, August 20th, 2010

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Friday, August 20th, 2010

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Give it up

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

I am the head of the household.  I make all the decisions and have all of the responsibility and all of the control, though on days like today I don’t think I have enough control.  I have so much worry all wrapped up in my chest that the last thing I want to do these days is take control of the situation after I lay down in bed… and that is only because I don’t feel creative, or imaginative, or fun.

I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok… or I want someone to fuck me silly so I can’t remember my name, let alone everything else I am worried about.

School, money, Jeremy, Rashell, Turtle, parenting, being a single parent, hell sometimes just being single is worrisome… so many people asking for my attention, pulling me one way or another.  I don’t lie, when I tell someone I don’t have the time… I mean I don’t have the time, I DO NOT mean I don’t want to see you or that you are not important.  I just don’t have time for you.  That is not meant to be offensive, it simply means that there are things in my life that have a higher priority at the moment.  If you can’t handle that, LEAVE. (for the record, because I know what you are thinking right now… THIS is not directed at any one person.  I have had a small avalanche of stuff bombard me in the last couple of days… It wasn’t just one person or thing).

OK, I think I need to get some sleep… I do have the baby coming over to play tomorrow.

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Aw hell, why not?

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

How it is that the one person who can make me feel so comforted and protected just by putting his arms around me, is also the one we all know isn’t good for me.  I am still amazed at how I feel in his arms, and how turned on I am by his kisses.  Shit, we were together for a year and he still makes my knees weak and my heart pound.  There is this level of comfort between us… and I can read him so well.  It helps that the sex is amazing, but some of that is how I feel about him.

Before everyone freaks out… I am not getting back together with my ex.  He is just kinda, uh… coming around every once in a while.  For fun.  For comfort. For company.  He did sleep in my bed, and I did have to change the sheets so I couldn’t smell him because that would make me miss him.  I don’t want to miss him.  I was to dismiss the fun once I have had it.  If it happens again, it happens… if not so be it.  I know there is just as much of a chance that I will see him again next week as there is of not hearing from him for 3 months.  *shrug*  And life goes on.

In other news: The more good, fun sex I have the more good, fun sex I want.  I may be going crazy.

I got called a MILF Muahahahahaaa!  That is hot (and he is STILL so freaking young)

I also got called beautiful by a guy who makes me melt a little.  He is gorgeous and fun and sexy.  All around quite yummy.

My life fucking rocks right now… and that makes me want to squash the little voice in the back of my head that is reminding me  that what goes up must come back down.  I tell that voice it can kiss my ass, and if it is very very good, it can also bite me.

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Funk

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

I feel like I am in a funk today… that usually means my period is right around the corner.  But I guess this could be a come down from last week.  I mean WOW, what a week!

Not only did Jeremy jump back in (and right back out again in a hurry), I also started training the baby fan boy (I am going to make some other woman very happy some day), I somehow fit a date in to my week as well, we also had the wedding, rehearsal dinner, girl night, indoctrination in to a family, joy, envy, LAUGHTER, the after party, making out with straight girls, a ton of drinking, short visits and a few sleep overs with Nick and some texts that never should have been sent. (and not all in that order!)

I heard things  and did things that made me feel totally irresponsible this last week… I also heard things and did things that made me feel like I was on top of the world!  Now I am going to take a bath and possibly do more yard work.  I will figure myself out one of these days… or maybe I should just let the dark cloud of PMS run it’s  course and decide that is all this is.

I feel like an idiot all over again when I say things like “I still wish I could love you enough for the both of us.”  OY!  I really need to get over myself.

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