Posts Tagged ‘doubt’
Protected: love letter … leave letter
Thursday, December 16th, 2010Protected: Make it stop!
Thursday, December 16th, 2010Protected: Ouch…
Thursday, December 9th, 2010Give it up
Wednesday, August 18th, 2010I am the head of the household. I make all the decisions and have all of the responsibility and all of the control, though on days like today I don’t think I have enough control. I have so much worry all wrapped up in my chest that the last thing I want to do these days is take control of the situation after I lay down in bed… and that is only because I don’t feel creative, or imaginative, or fun.
I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok… or I want someone to fuck me silly so I can’t remember my name, let alone everything else I am worried about.
School, money, Jeremy, Rashell, Turtle, parenting, being a single parent, hell sometimes just being single is worrisome… so many people asking for my attention, pulling me one way or another. I don’t lie, when I tell someone I don’t have the time… I mean I don’t have the time, I DO NOT mean I don’t want to see you or that you are not important. I just don’t have time for you. That is not meant to be offensive, it simply means that there are things in my life that have a higher priority at the moment. If you can’t handle that, LEAVE. (for the record, because I know what you are thinking right now… THIS is not directed at any one person. I have had a small avalanche of stuff bombard me in the last couple of days… It wasn’t just one person or thing).
OK, I think I need to get some sleep… I do have the baby coming over to play tomorrow.
Protected: Heart
Thursday, July 29th, 2010Don’t … Stop
Monday, July 19th, 2010I am having Jeremy over for dinner on Friday evening. Now before you freak out, it is just dinner. He is SO sad again. I am aware that I can’t take that from him or for him. I am aware of what happens when I get pulled in to hopeless situations. I will not let myself fall in to the meat of the issue again. I will not let him pull me in either. The man needs a fucking friend… in a totally we are so not going to fuck way.
I know what it felt like to climb in to his world of addiction. I lived it for a year… I will not be doing that again, trust me. I am willing to lend a hand and a meal to put a smile in to his week. I would do the same for every one of you! I loved him too much to not offer what I can when he reaches for it. I will keep myself whole happy and unbroken. I like what I have in life now. It is time to find out if a friendship is possible here, and if it isn’t I am prepared to just walk away. It’s just dinner for crying out loud!
Don’t worry… I am done with people projects. I found kitting.
If I say “It’s just dinner” one more time will I be trying to convince you or me of that?
Protected: Back to Real Life
Sunday, July 18th, 2010Critical Fumble
Saturday, June 26th, 2010I had to write to my coach today and tell him I have been ditching my workout for the past week or so. I almost feel like I dropped everything, and I am not even juggling a lot! Maybe I am starting to go mad from this staying at home thing, maybe it is something else. Great goddess I have gone a week without even wanting to have sex! I have not really been sleeping either… Bleh!
OK, so I went to the Dr yesterday because I am long overdue (3 years or something) to get my IUD checked on… apparently the strings are short, but she couldn’t say if that is a bad thing. I have also had the period that never ends (or random bleeding) for the last couple of weeks. On top of that my breast tissue started to feel all soft lumpy and just different. So I went to the Dr, and so you know what they had to say… STOP DRINKING SO MUCH COFFEE. That’s it. Unless something in my pap comes back and says cancer (VERY little chance of that) too much coffee is the issue… or so they think. OK, so I kinda really liked the Dr lady. She also told me to keep up the good work in paying attention to my body and to try and have sex on a regular basis. I almost Hugged her right then and there. And I have to take MORE medication for the stupid infection that will not die (no worries, it is non-transferable)
This whole not working thing, as much as I like to joke that it is great and all, has me totally stressed to the max. And it isn’t money… most people I talk to assume right off that it is money. I have never worried about that and I can afford everything (possibly including flying a friend up here for a couple of weeks). I feel useless. I want to be needed, and necessary. I want someone to depend on ME to get something done. I am highly self motivated, but I fear I am losing some of that as time goes on. I go to bed later and wake up later… I have weeks of laundry that either needs to be washed or folded, my house is a MESS and my garden is being taken over by weeds. I also made an old Shannon asshole comment to someone I really like (it involved the words “dating” … not said by me … and “booty call” … that was me.). My sister told me it was a mean thing to say, true or not.
I need to find my balance in life again… I think I stumbled and lost it.
New quest! OH YA!
*gasp*
Friday, May 28th, 2010I broke the rules. The rules I had made not to be broken.
Meh…
It really is a beautiful morning.
I am going to go make coffee now.
Babysitting…
Thursday, May 27th, 2010Oh my!
Every once in a while I worry that having so many people around with young kids will make me want another one. But, it doesn’t do that at all. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE love love all the babies that are in my life. I just don’t want any of them to be mine. They are nice reminders of “life as it should have been” or “life as it once was”.
My mom tells me that I am too young to decide that I never want to have another child. For some reason I can understand other people saying that to me, but not her. She was a single parent for a long time… with 2 kids. I just couldn’t imagine, sometimes it is so overwhelming with 1.
Days like today I couldn’t ever imagine starting it all over again, from the beginning. It would be NUTS! Right? But really… what if I do meet someone and the only issue is that they want a kid and I do NOT. Would that be something I would be willing to compromise on? Would I be willing to get MARRIED if someone wanted me to? Is this just mindless speculation? It’s not like I have ever had a relationship get far enough to have these issues come up… or is it that they have ended because our society tells us that if our partner will not marry and have kids with us they are not really committed to the relationship? Maybe I can do what John Cusack did in High Fidelity and call all my exs and ask LOL.
In every part of my life all I ask is that people take me as I am and walk away if they can’t handle me. Sometimes it leaves me a little sore when they go, but I would rather have them gone and happy than here and judging.
Is that harsh?
Oh and FYI… I have found a middle ground. No time to vacuum so it will be Phase 10 in the room instead of Scrabble on the rug. *grin* Huzzah!
Now I have to get back to picking up after the year old cyclone.