Posts Tagged ‘Parenting’

Suddenly

Saturday, September 18th, 2010

It hits me hardest when I am in a bad mood on a coldish day.  I really am lonely sometimes… most of the time?  It is just that I can usually hid it from myself pretty well.  I even miss Jeremy more on days like today, mostly because when I am wrapped in his arms I feel safe secure and protected.  I know that is all an illusion…  and I do get the same feeling of being safe and secure when I am sleeping next to Nick.

But tonight I have no one to come home to, no one to curl up with and a daughter that I lost it with again.  It is one of those days that I feel unworthy of the ‘mom’ title… or where I want to just quit, not that I ever really WOULD… it is just one of those days.

Sometimes I think maybe sex will help me feel better.  But that doesn’t help THIS… there are many things it DOES help though *grin*.  It really doesn’t make me feel any better about WHO I am, all these people that want to fuck me.  And the ones who want to take care of me… well I almost feel sorry for them, because all they make me want to do on days like today is stomp on them.  I do not ever want someone to shoulder the burden for me, sometimes I just want a no strings attached hug.  Wow… I just had a thought that explains why I am so poly-amorous … Who in the world could be everything I need them to be, how could it even be fair to ask, and why would I want to settle for less than everything I desire?

I really am a selfish bitch at times… I love it!

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Today…

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Rashell called me from school because she left her lunch at home.  So I had to take of my ‘dominatrix’ gear (as David called it) and go deliver her lunch to her.

Ya, it was just that kind of a day.

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Birth Story

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

9 years ago today… I was so drugged on Demerol after my C-Section that I don’t remember much.  Rashell was removed from me after 26 hours of labor at 4:58am.  My mom went with her to the nursery to make sure that the nurse DID NOT put a bottle in to my daughters mouth while I was in Recovery.  When they were taking me back to my room they let my mom hand Rashell to me for the first time.  I think that is when I stopped being scared.

I was 19 when I gave birth to Rashell… and here I am 9 years later.  Rashell is growing up so fast, but I can also see that I have grown up too.  We have an interesting relationship, my daughter and I.  Because I am me … and I had to grow up at the same time I was raising her.  We have come so far… and have so much farther to go.

Happy Birthday Rashell!

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Date Extravaganza

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010

I took someone special on a date yesterday and it turned out to be the perfect day!

First we went out to eat at The Onion.  It was great. We talked about our weekends (since we both had very exciting ones) and talked a bit about life and future plans.  After lunch we went out to see a movie, we decided on Toy Story 3.  The movies was VERY well done, and I got to knit in the theater.  After the movie we discussed out options.  My date mentioned wanting a Mohawk dyed red and I mentioned that I could do just that, so we walked around the mall for a bit.  We found a store that sold puppies, they were SO cute.  Then we stopped by Victoria Secret and my date got to help me pick out a new bra.  We finally found a beauty supply store and got the ingredients we needed to dye a Mohawk red.  As we were leaving I realized that I didn’t have any hairspray at home… Another trip was required.  By this time it was dinner time so we went out to dinner at the China Garden (they have the BEST food in this city, and they are willing to make my favorite things Gluten Free!).  After dinner we stopped into ShopKo for hairspray, and we both ended up getting a new pair of shoes.  Then we headed back to my place where we proceeded to give my lovely date a Fire Red Mohawk and dye my bangs Copper Red.

The best date EVER!

My daughter is so freaking CUTE!

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Protected: Just another day…

Wednesday, June 16th, 2010

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This or That

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

Sometimes getting to know people feels like a chore, and sometimes it is very rewarding.  Is it ok that I would almost rather have superficial relationships for the time being?  But what if I don’t really mean that… what if I just mean that I don’t ever want to get married, or have another child.  I don’t want another relationship to end just because I am not willing to get married or live together.  I am upfront about this with people… then there comes a point when it isn’t enough, when someone wants more.

I am not living the great american dream… I am living the great shannon dream.  This will one day involve a maid and a chef and possibly a nude communal living compound.

Another concern of mine is that my daughter will be raised with me being single and only have her Dad’s relationship as the ideal of what a relationship should be… and I am very not ok with that.  So… how do I give her an idea of what a happy and healthy relationship should be?  That is the question.

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Babysitting…

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

Oh my!

Every once in a while I worry that having so many people around with young kids will make me want another one.  But, it doesn’t do that at all.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE love love all the babies that are in my life.  I just don’t want any of them to be mine.  They are nice reminders of “life as it should have been” or “life as it once was”.

My mom tells me that I am too young to decide that I never want to have another child.  For some reason I can understand other people saying that to me, but not her.  She was a single parent for a long time… with 2 kids.  I just couldn’t imagine, sometimes it is so overwhelming with 1.

Days like today I couldn’t ever imagine starting it all over again, from the beginning.  It would be NUTS!  Right?  But really… what if I do meet someone and the only issue is that they want a kid and I do NOT.  Would that be something I would be willing to compromise on?  Would I be willing to get MARRIED if someone wanted me to?  Is this just mindless speculation? It’s not like I have ever had a relationship get far enough to have these issues come up… or is it that they have ended because our society tells us that if our partner will not marry and have kids with us they are not really committed to the relationship?  Maybe I can do what John Cusack did in High Fidelity and call all my exs and ask LOL.

In every part of my life all I ask is that people take me as I am and walk away if they can’t handle me.  Sometimes it leaves me a little sore when they go, but I would rather have them gone and happy than here and judging.

Is that harsh?

Oh and FYI… I have found a middle ground.  No time to vacuum so it will be Phase 10 in the room instead of Scrabble on the rug.  *grin*  Huzzah!

Now I have to get back to picking up after the year old cyclone.

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Protected: I Do

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

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Hrmmm…

Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

Do you ever just wake up and think “Is this really my life?”

That was my first thought this morning… and my answer was “Why, yes it is.” and then I smiled.  Rashell got ready well this morning and only whined a little when I asked her to brush her teeth.  Work was amusing with the Mimosa and chocolate afternoon, the co-worker see how much we can throw at one an other the quickest session AND the “I AM DONE WITH THIS DAY” leaving early.  That gave me time to go to the bank and still pick Rashell up on time.  Then there was the yelling because I said the wrong thing to her and the throwing of all her school things in to her room followed by an attempt to slam the door that was impeded by the afore mentioned school things.   After we calmed down from that and ate dinner she cleaned her room with no more than slightly watery eyes so she could talk the 2 adults (myself and the new roommate) in to playing Apples to Apples.  Now she is getting her school things ready so we can start this all over again tomorrow!  But truth be told I would not trade this life for anything…

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