Posts Tagged ‘Rashell’
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Tuesday, October 12th, 2010Suddenly
Saturday, September 18th, 2010It hits me hardest when I am in a bad mood on a coldish day. I really am lonely sometimes… most of the time? It is just that I can usually hid it from myself pretty well. I even miss Jeremy more on days like today, mostly because when I am wrapped in his arms I feel safe secure and protected. I know that is all an illusion… and I do get the same feeling of being safe and secure when I am sleeping next to Nick.
But tonight I have no one to come home to, no one to curl up with and a daughter that I lost it with again. It is one of those days that I feel unworthy of the ‘mom’ title… or where I want to just quit, not that I ever really WOULD… it is just one of those days.
Sometimes I think maybe sex will help me feel better. But that doesn’t help THIS… there are many things it DOES help though *grin*. It really doesn’t make me feel any better about WHO I am, all these people that want to fuck me. And the ones who want to take care of me… well I almost feel sorry for them, because all they make me want to do on days like today is stomp on them. I do not ever want someone to shoulder the burden for me, sometimes I just want a no strings attached hug. Wow… I just had a thought that explains why I am so poly-amorous … Who in the world could be everything I need them to be, how could it even be fair to ask, and why would I want to settle for less than everything I desire?
I really am a selfish bitch at times… I love it!
Today…
Thursday, September 16th, 2010Rashell called me from school because she left her lunch at home. So I had to take of my ‘dominatrix’ gear (as David called it) and go deliver her lunch to her.
Ya, it was just that kind of a day.
Birth Story
Tuesday, August 24th, 20109 years ago today… I was so drugged on Demerol after my C-Section that I don’t remember much. Rashell was removed from me after 26 hours of labor at 4:58am. My mom went with her to the nursery to make sure that the nurse DID NOT put a bottle in to my daughters mouth while I was in Recovery. When they were taking me back to my room they let my mom hand Rashell to me for the first time. I think that is when I stopped being scared.
I was 19 when I gave birth to Rashell… and here I am 9 years later. Rashell is growing up so fast, but I can also see that I have grown up too. We have an interesting relationship, my daughter and I. Because I am me … and I had to grow up at the same time I was raising her. We have come so far… and have so much farther to go.
Happy Birthday Rashell!
Give it up
Wednesday, August 18th, 2010I am the head of the household. I make all the decisions and have all of the responsibility and all of the control, though on days like today I don’t think I have enough control. I have so much worry all wrapped up in my chest that the last thing I want to do these days is take control of the situation after I lay down in bed… and that is only because I don’t feel creative, or imaginative, or fun.
I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok… or I want someone to fuck me silly so I can’t remember my name, let alone everything else I am worried about.
School, money, Jeremy, Rashell, Turtle, parenting, being a single parent, hell sometimes just being single is worrisome… so many people asking for my attention, pulling me one way or another. I don’t lie, when I tell someone I don’t have the time… I mean I don’t have the time, I DO NOT mean I don’t want to see you or that you are not important. I just don’t have time for you. That is not meant to be offensive, it simply means that there are things in my life that have a higher priority at the moment. If you can’t handle that, LEAVE. (for the record, because I know what you are thinking right now… THIS is not directed at any one person. I have had a small avalanche of stuff bombard me in the last couple of days… It wasn’t just one person or thing).
OK, I think I need to get some sleep… I do have the baby coming over to play tomorrow.
Bliss
Sunday, July 18th, 2010Rashell and I had a VERY rough start to our week. I know it was a bit of both of us… but I am the MOM, so I admit to no such weakness. I decided that running TO the lake would be a good way to end the horrid week. My mom happened to be going out there on Thursday so we went over to her house and road out there with her. I also invited Nick to come out after work on Friday. Not only did I want his company but the lake is a great place to forget about and/or sort through any life stress that may be going on… and life is just better all around with good company.
We FINALLY got to the lake on Thursday. My step sister (karina, not the evil one) and her family were there. My mom AND Rashell didn’t like the idea of me staying in the Red Cabin so I got the Basement of the Blue House all to myself. Bob didn’t make it out Thursday night so Rashell slept with my mom… I got to read with a glass of wine and a bowl of stuffed green olives before I went to sleep that night. Utter Bliss!
Friday – I got in the water… right after my one cup of coffee. Wow, talk about COLD. I swam 4 laps between our dock and the next one… and then i was done. needed to get out and warm up. My mom and I spent a lot of time talking… we even talked a bit about Nick (surprisingly she didn’t ask the first question she USUALLY asks, SHE says it is because she already KNEW the answer…) since I told her I had invited him out to the lake. My step sister and Fam left the lake early Friday… Rashell played most of the day with the girls next door and I read a LOT. I completed the Curly Q Scarf… but upon looking at it realized that i had made a mistake somewhere at the beginning so my Mom and i pulled the WHOLE thing out and I started over. Nathan and Bob joined us for dinner (this is around the time my mom told me that Nick wasn’t going to come) and it was great. Nathan is a TON of fun, and interesting to talk to. Nathan and Bob left after dinner and my mom and Rashell and I went out in the Kayaks… but only for a little while. Nick called at some point in the evening and said he was going to head out. I told him the place would be easy peasy to find in the dark. my mom said I am mean. He did find the house. Rashell and mom were already asleep… Nick and i had wine and talked out on the dock under the stars till he was chilly enough that we needed to move inside. All I am going to say about after that is that I went to sleep happy and satisfied. That man is wonderful!
Saturday – Love me some waking up not alone… then it was coffee and more swimming.
Nope, I am done with the play by play of the weekend… who cares what I did one moment to the next. It was a blissful weekend! I really like Nick, he is awesome and I feel so … wonderful (cause that is what comes to mind at the moment) … when I am with him. He is all hot and sexy and unassuming. I am not sure what he is thinking half the time, but I kinda like that. That said… we stayed an extra night after my mom went home since Nick was willing to drive rashell and I back to my car this afternoon. I am a little sun burned and have a couple of sore muscles from playing on the water toys with all the kids, but I feel great…
Date Extravaganza
Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010I took someone special on a date yesterday and it turned out to be the perfect day!
First we went out to eat at The Onion. It was great. We talked about our weekends (since we both had very exciting ones) and talked a bit about life and future plans. After lunch we went out to see a movie, we decided on Toy Story 3. The movies was VERY well done, and I got to knit in the theater. After the movie we discussed out options. My date mentioned wanting a Mohawk dyed red and I mentioned that I could do just that, so we walked around the mall for a bit. We found a store that sold puppies, they were SO cute. Then we stopped by Victoria Secret and my date got to help me pick out a new bra. We finally found a beauty supply store and got the ingredients we needed to dye a Mohawk red. As we were leaving I realized that I didn’t have any hairspray at home… Another trip was required. By this time it was dinner time so we went out to dinner at the China Garden (they have the BEST food in this city, and they are willing to make my favorite things Gluten Free!). After dinner we stopped into ShopKo for hairspray, and we both ended up getting a new pair of shoes. Then we headed back to my place where we proceeded to give my lovely date a Fire Red Mohawk and dye my bangs Copper Red.
The best date EVER!
My daughter is so freaking CUTE!
This or That
Wednesday, June 9th, 2010Sometimes getting to know people feels like a chore, and sometimes it is very rewarding. Is it ok that I would almost rather have superficial relationships for the time being? But what if I don’t really mean that… what if I just mean that I don’t ever want to get married, or have another child. I don’t want another relationship to end just because I am not willing to get married or live together. I am upfront about this with people… then there comes a point when it isn’t enough, when someone wants more.
I am not living the great american dream… I am living the great shannon dream. This will one day involve a maid and a chef and possibly a nude communal living compound.
Another concern of mine is that my daughter will be raised with me being single and only have her Dad’s relationship as the ideal of what a relationship should be… and I am very not ok with that. So… how do I give her an idea of what a happy and healthy relationship should be? That is the question.
Protected: I Do
Tuesday, May 25th, 2010Hrmmm…
Tuesday, April 13th, 2010Do you ever just wake up and think “Is this really my life?”
That was my first thought this morning… and my answer was “Why, yes it is.” and then I smiled. Rashell got ready well this morning and only whined a little when I asked her to brush her teeth. Work was amusing with the Mimosa and chocolate afternoon, the co-worker see how much we can throw at one an other the quickest session AND the “I AM DONE WITH THIS DAY” leaving early. That gave me time to go to the bank and still pick Rashell up on time. Then there was the yelling because I said the wrong thing to her and the throwing of all her school things in to her room followed by an attempt to slam the door that was impeded by the afore mentioned school things. After we calmed down from that and ate dinner she cleaned her room with no more than slightly watery eyes so she could talk the 2 adults (myself and the new roommate) in to playing Apples to Apples. Now she is getting her school things ready so we can start this all over again tomorrow! But truth be told I would not trade this life for anything…