Posts Tagged ‘worries’
Protected: love letter … leave letter
Thursday, December 16th, 2010Protected: Ouch…
Thursday, December 9th, 2010Protected: Hello Stranger
Tuesday, October 12th, 2010Protected: Shit’s Complicated
Monday, September 13th, 2010Give it up
Wednesday, August 18th, 2010I am the head of the household. I make all the decisions and have all of the responsibility and all of the control, though on days like today I don’t think I have enough control. I have so much worry all wrapped up in my chest that the last thing I want to do these days is take control of the situation after I lay down in bed… and that is only because I don’t feel creative, or imaginative, or fun.
I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok… or I want someone to fuck me silly so I can’t remember my name, let alone everything else I am worried about.
School, money, Jeremy, Rashell, Turtle, parenting, being a single parent, hell sometimes just being single is worrisome… so many people asking for my attention, pulling me one way or another. I don’t lie, when I tell someone I don’t have the time… I mean I don’t have the time, I DO NOT mean I don’t want to see you or that you are not important. I just don’t have time for you. That is not meant to be offensive, it simply means that there are things in my life that have a higher priority at the moment. If you can’t handle that, LEAVE. (for the record, because I know what you are thinking right now… THIS is not directed at any one person. I have had a small avalanche of stuff bombard me in the last couple of days… It wasn’t just one person or thing).
OK, I think I need to get some sleep… I do have the baby coming over to play tomorrow.
Aw hell, why not?
Thursday, August 12th, 2010How it is that the one person who can make me feel so comforted and protected just by putting his arms around me, is also the one we all know isn’t good for me. I am still amazed at how I feel in his arms, and how turned on I am by his kisses. Shit, we were together for a year and he still makes my knees weak and my heart pound. There is this level of comfort between us… and I can read him so well. It helps that the sex is amazing, but some of that is how I feel about him.
Before everyone freaks out… I am not getting back together with my ex. He is just kinda, uh… coming around every once in a while. For fun. For comfort. For company. He did sleep in my bed, and I did have to change the sheets so I couldn’t smell him because that would make me miss him. I don’t want to miss him. I was to dismiss the fun once I have had it. If it happens again, it happens… if not so be it. I know there is just as much of a chance that I will see him again next week as there is of not hearing from him for 3 months. *shrug* And life goes on.
In other news: The more good, fun sex I have the more good, fun sex I want. I may be going crazy.
I got called a MILF Muahahahahaaa! That is hot (and he is STILL so freaking young)
I also got called beautiful by a guy who makes me melt a little. He is gorgeous and fun and sexy. All around quite yummy.
My life fucking rocks right now… and that makes me want to squash the little voice in the back of my head that is reminding me that what goes up must come back down. I tell that voice it can kiss my ass, and if it is very very good, it can also bite me.
Funk
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010I feel like I am in a funk today… that usually means my period is right around the corner. But I guess this could be a come down from last week. I mean WOW, what a week!
Not only did Jeremy jump back in (and right back out again in a hurry), I also started training the baby fan boy (I am going to make some other woman very happy some day), I somehow fit a date in to my week as well, we also had the wedding, rehearsal dinner, girl night, indoctrination in to a family, joy, envy, LAUGHTER, the after party, making out with straight girls, a ton of drinking, short visits and a few sleep overs with Nick and some texts that never should have been sent. (and not all in that order!)
I heard things and did things that made me feel totally irresponsible this last week… I also heard things and did things that made me feel like I was on top of the world! Now I am going to take a bath and possibly do more yard work. I will figure myself out one of these days… or maybe I should just let the dark cloud of PMS run it’s course and decide that is all this is.
I feel like an idiot all over again when I say things like “I still wish I could love you enough for the both of us.” OY! I really need to get over myself.
Well fuck
Friday, July 30th, 2010No… seriously!
Is it something in the air? Did the Dr knock something crooked when she was looking for imperfections (as if I HAVE any)? All I want is sex sex sex… all the time and a lot of it. Cause sex works for a great deal longer than masturbating does… though that is fun too. Tonight didn’t help… I hung out with hot hot hot women and talked about sex, and shaving and relationships (which we all know I stay out of). Could it be just that Rashell is gone and I can have all the loud sex I want…
All I can think lately is that I should write another sex rite… like a group one… for the Collective Us. But I am not sure that even saying that out loud to everyone is a good Idea. And do I really want to go back to the once Upon a Time when I hardly knew anyone I hadn’t had sex with at one point or another?
A friend told me the other day that if I was a man, I wouldn’t be worrying about these kinds of things. As long as things are safe and open and honest everyone wins! But I am not a man… and I am not so sure I would want to be. I really like the emotional attachment I have to the people I allow in to my bed. Though I DO wish I could remove the emotions from the sex when it comes to Jeremy, that way I could call him in to my bed with I want him and be fine with him leaving it.
Oddly enough I was asked yesterday if it was he who initiated the whole sex having… I had to answer with an honest I don’t know. Was asking him to come over and help me out where it started? Him not wanting to let me go when we hugged? Me showing him my new scars (don’t ask)? I am sure that when he pulled he in to his lap and told me he missed me was the point that I knew where it was going to end up… But really, who cares! Would it matter one way or another? Does it matter to me? Bleh… I will just buy more toys, watch more star wars and have more sex and forget about it. It isn’t like he is allowed to come back.
And on a side note, not only have I had a sex filled week but it was GREAT sex… like all of it. Even teaching the little fan boy to use his tongue was amazing. I got him a collar *grin* He kinda makes me want to abuse him in a very very fun way.
I even went out on a date… like a real first date, dinner and everything with no sex. Weird I KNOW, but fun too!
Bring on the FUN!
Protected: Heart
Thursday, July 29th, 2010Appointment
Friday, July 23rd, 2010All of the tools that a Gyn uses look like torture devices, but I think the stuff used yesterday took the cake. Not only did I get the stupid duck bill spreader thingy, I also got a microscope… I’m just sayin’ is all. It wasn’t comfortable… especially the part when they look inside my uterus or whatever they do that feels like a really bad cramp in a really odd place. And whatever she used to clean what she wanted to look at made me taste and smell odd… bleh!
The Dr. said that everything looks great, no blemishes she could see, nothing to take a biopsy OF. (whew, cause THAT would have been the costly part… not to mention PAINFUL) I have been bleeding weird because my IUD shifted a little. She wiggled it back in to place (talk about discomfort and odd body sensations!). I am fine, it cost way less that I thought it would AND I am still immune to STPs (sexually transmitted people… or was that parasite… or pregnancy? Meh, we will just call it ‘insert preferred P word here’). I am now clear to have all the sex I want!
Sometimes I worry myself sick! But whatever… Now on to the rest of my day.