Posts Tagged ‘worries’
Protected: Back to Real Life
Sunday, July 18th, 2010My Life
Friday, July 9th, 2010I love the life I have built for myself. I love the people I surround myself with, and I LOVE that when I ask you to tell me something happy I get so many things that make me smile.
I had a mild freakout this morning when I got a call from the Dr about my lab results. Apparently there may be something to the random bleeding I have been having for the last couple of months. Though all I know right now is that it came back with “Abnormal Cells” (like I would have normal ones, right?) … Now I have an appointment for a cervical biopsy on the 22nd. My mom will be out of town and I am unsure if I want anyone to go with me to the appointment. I could use someone to cuddle with me the night before, maybe… but I doubt I will sleep anyway. So, that is what is going on at the moment. At least I know I can’t pass this on to anyone and I can still have sex (except for the 2 days before the procedure). Now I am all stressed about money! But that too will pass. I always have enough.
Anyway, I wanted to share what I got when I asked a few people to tell me something happy:
“I pooped 4 times today and I’ve only been up since 10… Are you doing alright?”
“I’m ziplining in Hawaii and I wish you were here! and i love u :-*” (DUDE! Me too, with the wishing!)
“I’m naked and you are coming to spend the weekend with me” (Ha ha, in our dreams hun)
“You are beautiful and make wonderful sounds while in bed? Happy thought?” (Very happy!)
“My brother is here visiting, and he let Casey lick his face for six minutes straight.”
“I have a mexican casserole prepared especially for me by my favorite pretty girl. It’s Friday and my direct deposit started working. All my bills are paid and it’s not even the tenth yet. The sun is shining outside. I have lots of compost for your garden. There is a very good chance I will be able to come hug the stuffings out of you this evening. Do you need more happy? I got more 
”
“Kiki’s Delivery Service”
I would have known exactly who said what even if there were no names on the text messages! I am so very thankful for each and every one of you. Between all the smiles by text and the Billy Joel Greatest hits album I feel just fine. I also finished the Scarf… and for the record, if you want a pattern to look exactly the same as it does on the opposite end it needs to be knit upside down AND backwards. *grin* Knit and learn.
Now to toss together a green salad, get me and Rashell clean and go hang out with some of my favorite people!
Critical Fumble
Saturday, June 26th, 2010I had to write to my coach today and tell him I have been ditching my workout for the past week or so. I almost feel like I dropped everything, and I am not even juggling a lot! Maybe I am starting to go mad from this staying at home thing, maybe it is something else. Great goddess I have gone a week without even wanting to have sex! I have not really been sleeping either… Bleh!
OK, so I went to the Dr yesterday because I am long overdue (3 years or something) to get my IUD checked on… apparently the strings are short, but she couldn’t say if that is a bad thing. I have also had the period that never ends (or random bleeding) for the last couple of weeks. On top of that my breast tissue started to feel all soft lumpy and just different. So I went to the Dr, and so you know what they had to say… STOP DRINKING SO MUCH COFFEE. That’s it. Unless something in my pap comes back and says cancer (VERY little chance of that) too much coffee is the issue… or so they think. OK, so I kinda really liked the Dr lady. She also told me to keep up the good work in paying attention to my body and to try and have sex on a regular basis. I almost Hugged her right then and there. And I have to take MORE medication for the stupid infection that will not die (no worries, it is non-transferable)
This whole not working thing, as much as I like to joke that it is great and all, has me totally stressed to the max. And it isn’t money… most people I talk to assume right off that it is money. I have never worried about that and I can afford everything (possibly including flying a friend up here for a couple of weeks). I feel useless. I want to be needed, and necessary. I want someone to depend on ME to get something done. I am highly self motivated, but I fear I am losing some of that as time goes on. I go to bed later and wake up later… I have weeks of laundry that either needs to be washed or folded, my house is a MESS and my garden is being taken over by weeds. I also made an old Shannon asshole comment to someone I really like (it involved the words “dating” … not said by me … and “booty call” … that was me.). My sister told me it was a mean thing to say, true or not.
I need to find my balance in life again… I think I stumbled and lost it.
New quest! OH YA!
This or That
Wednesday, June 9th, 2010Sometimes getting to know people feels like a chore, and sometimes it is very rewarding. Is it ok that I would almost rather have superficial relationships for the time being? But what if I don’t really mean that… what if I just mean that I don’t ever want to get married, or have another child. I don’t want another relationship to end just because I am not willing to get married or live together. I am upfront about this with people… then there comes a point when it isn’t enough, when someone wants more.
I am not living the great american dream… I am living the great shannon dream. This will one day involve a maid and a chef and possibly a nude communal living compound.
Another concern of mine is that my daughter will be raised with me being single and only have her Dad’s relationship as the ideal of what a relationship should be… and I am very not ok with that. So… how do I give her an idea of what a happy and healthy relationship should be? That is the question.
Protected: Introspection
Tuesday, June 8th, 2010*gasp*
Friday, May 28th, 2010I broke the rules. The rules I had made not to be broken.
Meh…
It really is a beautiful morning.
I am going to go make coffee now.
Babysitting…
Thursday, May 27th, 2010Oh my!
Every once in a while I worry that having so many people around with young kids will make me want another one. But, it doesn’t do that at all. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE love love all the babies that are in my life. I just don’t want any of them to be mine. They are nice reminders of “life as it should have been” or “life as it once was”.
My mom tells me that I am too young to decide that I never want to have another child. For some reason I can understand other people saying that to me, but not her. She was a single parent for a long time… with 2 kids. I just couldn’t imagine, sometimes it is so overwhelming with 1.
Days like today I couldn’t ever imagine starting it all over again, from the beginning. It would be NUTS! Right? But really… what if I do meet someone and the only issue is that they want a kid and I do NOT. Would that be something I would be willing to compromise on? Would I be willing to get MARRIED if someone wanted me to? Is this just mindless speculation? It’s not like I have ever had a relationship get far enough to have these issues come up… or is it that they have ended because our society tells us that if our partner will not marry and have kids with us they are not really committed to the relationship? Maybe I can do what John Cusack did in High Fidelity and call all my exs and ask LOL.
In every part of my life all I ask is that people take me as I am and walk away if they can’t handle me. Sometimes it leaves me a little sore when they go, but I would rather have them gone and happy than here and judging.
Is that harsh?
Oh and FYI… I have found a middle ground. No time to vacuum so it will be Phase 10 in the room instead of Scrabble on the rug. *grin* Huzzah!
Now I have to get back to picking up after the year old cyclone.
Protected: I Do
Tuesday, May 25th, 2010Ouch
Friday, May 21st, 2010All the leftovers are gone.
Time to start anew!
Late Entry ~ Worries
Friday, April 23rd, 2010I wrote this while I was out and about earlier this week with every intention of putting in on my blog as soon as I got home… Well, better late than never, ya?
I am not sure if I am looking to make new memories of old places or if I am looking for new places to make the same old mistakes. I am sitting here on a hill that overlooks the Falls. This is where I spent all last summer hoping Jeremy would show up. I had a lot of tough conversations on this hill and did a hell of a lot of thinking and took the occasional nap. Now, please don’t start worrying… He can’t show up here now, hence why I came here. This just happens to be the most relaxing and beautiful place that I have found in Spokane. It has become my “Red Hill Park” in this here town.
I am hesitating… taking as long as I can not to think about making a decision. I am always so scared to take that first step. After that I know that my feet will follow the lead they are given and continue. I just feel so unsure when starting a new adventure. In my own head I honestly am one of those people who would be content to live alone in the middle of nowhere doing the same thing day after day. I have this ability to walk a rut a mile deep… But I also add to the the knowledge of when it is time to climb out and begin again. NOW is my time, I even know where I want to go… I just can’t see the whole story yet. I have to have the fully formed plan in my head for this to all work out. I am also so worried that it won’t work out for me that I am scared to go for it. There is no safety net for this decision, no fall back plan… and I think that is what I may be waiting for.
Too bad Shannon. You are getting you ass to school and doing what needs to be done… TOMORROW!
Up is the only way to go from here.